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.a stolen story about suspicion, betrayal, desire, and redemption.
"there's no shame in being crazy, depending on how you take these.." - jason mraz |
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hear me out .
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Deszya, VIC, Melbourne
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"when i stand, i know i'll never be down again" - shiina ringo
I capture myself as a portrait of an extremely random person and i am proud of it. I had never been an easy person to hang out with, can be all over you one day but then hardly seem to know you exist..
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Date: Wednesday, 27 August 2008 || Time: 1:27 am
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to take it seriously
or let it flow casually to be far away for another year another continent another city another empty apartment or to live beside your porch until another year goes by tell me who do you love? me or the thought of me? will you let those worthless words get us more far away? hope, hope that one day i'll hear you whisper: "people come and go. i'll stay..." Airplanes Take you away again Are you flying Above where we live Then I look up a glare in my eyes Are you having regrets about last night I'm not but I like rivers that rush in So then I dove in Is there trouble ahead For you the acrobat I won't push you unless you have a net You say the word You know I will find you Or if you need some time I don't mind I don't hold on To the tail of your kite I'm not like the girls that you've known But I believe I'm worth coming home to Kiss away night This girl only sleeps with butterflies With butterflies So go on and fly then boy Balloons Look good from on the ground I fear with pins and needles around We may fall then stumble Upon a carousel It could take us anywhere I'm not like the girls that you've known But I believe I'm worth coming home to Kiss away night This girl only sleeps with butterflies With butterflies With butterflies So go on and fly boy Tori Amos - Sleeps with Butterflies The Beekeeper Album Labels: Almost Honest |
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Date: Wednesday, 20 August 2008 || Time: 9:28 pm
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 When you love someone, Really love someone It seems eternal When someone depends on you for their very existence, and you depend on them, It never occurs to you that it won't last forever Taken from: Angels and Airwaves - Good Day Labels: my own fairy tale |
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Date: Tuesday, 19 August 2008 || Time: 2:32 am
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terpisahkan oleh kesibukan. terpisahkan oleh kontinen yang berbeda. telepon yang berdering setiap hari menjelang malam kini membisu. kini tak perlu kuatir kehabisan uang untuk me-refill pulsa, tapi ironisnya, partner berbagi berita malah menghilang. funny, isn't it? guess what? buat saya, it's not seemingly fun. at all. sepi. entah sejak kapan terasa. individualis kini menjadi kata-kata yang tepat untuk menggambarkan pribadi yang dulu ceria dan tak pernah kehabisan acara tiap akhir pekan itu. it's hard to maintain communication with those that are definitely busier than you. terpikir oleh saya. bahwa saya tidak pernah berkembang. lingkungan pertemanan pun hanya itu-itu saja. ditambah, di tahun terakhir semua teman saya yang tadinya banyak, sibuk oleh aktivitas di kampus masing-masing. teman-teman SMA? ya, mereka adalah salah satu teman-teman terbaik yang pernah saya dapatkan. true, mereka pernah satu jalan pikiran dengan saya, tapi sekarang bahkan path kita pun sudah berbeda. Semua nostalgia tentang kekompakan kita dulu, semua tinggal kenangan. Yang bisa membuat tertawa bersama, tapi selebihnya, apa? None. Bahkan environment kita pun sudah berbeda terlalu jauh untuk bisa sharing se-intense dulu. Semua tak bisa terulang lagi. I want to be better. To be able to do something useful as a pay-off of what I've learned. For anything, for anyone. I am rediscovering, over and over again, but I'm still stuck. I don't mind being patient, but I don't want to be a passive-patient-person. I need to try first, before I finally let destiny decides for me. The question is, am I capable to do so? Labels: Almost Honest |
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Date: Monday, 18 August 2008 || Time: 12:36 pm
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this morning when i woke up, i saw one nature's magic that i love the most: rain.
yes, akhirnya hujan juga! :) after taking a quick bath, i grabbed my Vanilla Latte from the microwave, turned my i-Pod on, and walked to college under my umbrella. a rainy morning like this always reminded me of one funny memory happened on February. i was only his neighbor. i never thought that he would have watched me as i passed by. not even once. but that day, after a night with a heavy rain, he called my name. and for the first time since he moved next to my home, we talked in the neighborhood. just like a normal neighbor. two days later, we talked again at his house. i was stuck there, because it was rain heavily outside. i wondered whether i should ask him to lend me an umbrella, or just simply ran and got a bit wet, since i only lived next to his house. then suddenly he suggested something funny. "never mind, i'll fetch you home." funny! oh my, you could even count your steps from his porch to my house. yet, he still insisted to walk me home. i guessed, this one would always be remembered both by me and him. and i'm right. i received one message right after my tutorial ended. it's from him. Panda 18/08/2008 10:57:14 Panda lg nganter mama beli beras sama tanah bwt tanaman, jd inget pas aku pinjemin kamu payung. Kmu hujan2an gda kerjaan amat sih, malah nyari sakit. Kelinci 18/08/2008 11:01:21 Idihh,galak! pasti bandung lg panas ya makanya jd galak. Skg lg diem aja kok smbl online. haha,td dosen aku jg terpana liat aku hujan2an. hey hunny.. i didn't walk the rain without a cause. i carried an umbrella, you know. yet, i closed it halfway near my apartment. my i-Pod played Homesick by Kings of Convenience as i reached my apartment's door. i stopped, and i starred at the cloudy sky for a second. Funny.. it totally reminds me of you. Labels: my own fairy tale |
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Date: Sunday, 17 August 2008 || Time: 1:14 am
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Now is it bihovely thyng to telle whiche been the sevene deedly synnes, this is to seyn, chiefaynes of synnes. Alle they renne in o lees, but in diverse manneres. Now been they cleped chieftaynes, for as muche as they been chief and spryng of alle othere synnes.
--Geoffrey Chaucer, The Canterbury Tales Pride is excessive belief in one's own abilities, that interferes with the individual's recognition of the grace of God. It has been called the sin from which all others arise. Pride is also known as Vanity. Envy is the desire for others' traits, status, abilities, or situation. Gluttony is an inordinate desire to consume more than that which one requires. Lust is an inordinate craving for the pleasures of the body. Anger is manifested in the individual who spurns love and opts instead for fury. It is also known as Wrath. Greed is the desire for material wealth or gain, ignoring the realm of the spiritual. It is also called Avarice or Covetousness. Sloth is the avoidance of physical or spiritual work. Labels: in my darkest hour |
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Date: Saturday, 16 August 2008 || Time: 5:11 pm
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"We cannot change our memories, but we can change their meaning and the power they have over us."
yes.. it's my time let go of my past and move along. cause, when everything is wrong, we move along.. Labels: in my darkest hour |
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Date: Friday, 15 August 2008 || Time: 1:01 pm
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it was such a rainy afternoon when Cherry got home, all wet from head to toe. Cherry threw away her bag and her notes, and sat alone in the corner of her room. her i-Pod whispered Paramore's song, When It Rains. she let herself shivered, didn't even want to leave the dark corner even just for a second. "i had enough of being ignored" i had enough of being left alone when i really need a shoulder to cry on "i don't know what to feel" i want to be angry but i don't even have any strength "things between you and me are completely out of orders" i fell for the wrong person "that's what i get when i let my heart win" i think he doesn't love me anymore "or is it, he never loves me anyway?" Labels: my own fairy tale |
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Date: Tuesday, 12 August 2008 || Time: 11:57 pm
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Hello good morning, how you've been? Do you wake up at the same familiar images again? Over.. and over, every time you run, every where you hide You've opened that sliding door Yet, you find nothing but those contemporary linkages What makes you rise? Now it sounds so new All of your regrets are so stubborn to let you walk away from yesterday You never knew that you could hurt this bad Now you ask yourself how to be dead But you breathe, you still breathe Heal yourself, Dear Learn to breathe, learn to crawl Dare yourself to breathe, awaken the hidden passion inside you Let yourself dying to breathe, don't get rush to stand up again Labels: in my darkest hour |
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Date: Sunday, 10 August 2008 || Time: 7:29 am
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I'm on my destination to meet someone that I love most
I weave another beautiful fabric for my father One for each day, 364 beautiful fabrics every year And as I finish another 364, I am longing to see him again Next year, on the seventh day of the seventh month I adore the bless carried by the rain But I curse it if it falls on the seventh day of the seventh month O magpies birds, I hope you can hear my tears across the Milky Way Today I need your wings to walk me across the universe to see my beloved one, Vega I want you I trust you I am coming to you Sasa no ha sara-sara Nokiba ni yureru Ohoshi-sama kira-kira Kin Gin sunago** The bamboo leaves rustle, rustle, Shaking away in the eaves The stars go twinkle, twinkle, Gold and silver grains of sand. Labels: my own fairy tale |
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Date: || Time: 1:34 am
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 I wish i could tie you up in my shoes Make you feel unpretty too I was told I was beautiful But what does that mean to you Look into the mirror who's inside there The one with the long hair Same old me again today (TLC - Unpretty) I am rediscovering myself. I was long ago, this is where my beauty lies. I never felt so worthy nor humbled when I was in the classroom. The teasing never really stopped, even after graduating from high school, I still couldn't deal with my low-self esteem issue. I felt reckless, humility became self-doubt, and I decided to close myself by being extremely independent. I am just beginning to feel beautiful again. Getting past the low self-esteem I had was torture, but I succeeded. Free from dysfunctional environment, finances, and a never ending family drama. Beauty, it comes from the inside. I love people, and I love to learn to love imperfect person perfectly. I use my hand to construct words and phrase that reveals what's in my mind. I use my hand to shape the light that capture images. My imagination shows the bitter-sweet symphony of life I've been through. The phrase of sadness in my words, the hope of life I capture, I show you the real me. Still struggling, reflecting, and seeking a solution. I really do not see my beauty when i find my shadow in the mirror; I see it when I look within my soul. So yes, maybe I am beautiful. Labels: Almost Honest |
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Date: Friday, 8 August 2008 || Time: 3:32 pm
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07/08/2008 16:39:12 Panda kok hape kamu g aktif sih? Kmana kmu? Suka g jelas gtu, menyebalkan. 07/08/2008 18:23:29 Panda Hi echa d cari angga sodara kmu tuh. Kmu lg dmn sih? Kbrin aku secepatny! 07/08/2008 23:51:59 Kakaknya Panda Cha kado nya dah dtaro diatas meja blajr pling kiri atas bgn yg tmpt nulis penuh ada kertas jd diatas pojok kiri sip tinggal tlp ja ya.. 07/08/2008 23:55:05 Kakaknya Panda Eh ga jd nlp?dah jam 12 pas itu.. 08/08/2008 23:58:31 Kelinci 1. Bunga yg kmrn aku tungguin itu titipan dr pacarnya housemate aku 2. Hape aku ga ilang kok. Yg td angkat telpon kamu itu tetangga apartment aku, Young. 3. Aku cuma pura2 marah aja kmrn mlm. Susah bgt tau, nahan2 ketawanya! 4. Di paling kiri atas meja belajar kmu, diantara kertas2, ada apa tuh yg biru2? Dibuka dong! You wake up Another year is gone You're twenty-one So hard When you're far away Now you know Don't hang up the phone I wish I was at home I know you hate me Well I miss you too Taken from The Click Five - Happy Birthday 08/08/2008 01:16:32 Panda Pacar warnany biru kesukaan aku, kmu inget semuany jd terharu T_T, skarang lampunya lg aku hidupin. 08/08/2008 01:50:00 Panda Iya happy bgt, kado yg sebenarnya bikin happy itu diri kmu, aku seneng bisa deket sama kelinci. "Dear Panda, PS: a very special thanks to Kakaknya Panda for helping me arranging this surprise ever since one month ago. Thank you so much for your dedicated wish for us! :) Labels: my own fairy tale |
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Date: Wednesday, 6 August 2008 || Time: 11:17 pm
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is one of my cousin whose age is older than me by one year. therefore, i never really called him 'mas angga'. we grew up almost together, but were separated during what i called the 'growing-pain-period'. he got what i always wanted, freedom. no, not in a negative term, of course. without realizing it, he indirectly helped me to get out from the most painful 'growing-pain-period' that i was in, senior high. because of him, the teasing (some of them, were very mean, but however i've promised myself that i won't look back to those moments) stopped because one of them knew him. then i went abroad for my education. we rarely met, but when i was about to turn 20, we met quite often. still, we didn't share much stories. the funny thing was, we finally shared stories through YM. one of them did touch me. i didn't know that one 'cuek' boy with such freedom to enjoy his life could wander around to find his soulmate. i was touched, and by that, i DO mean it. he started to think about his future. that in this life, one day, we'll share it with someone that is meant to be with us. someone that worth for every trouble he'll be willing to go through to be with her. gaang_thecrow: klo angga kan mau setia deshia yulian: adeuh deshia yulian: kenapa kamu mendadak jd begini? hoho gaang_thecrow: kan angga dah blng gaang_thecrow: dah bosen gaang_thecrow: d maenin deshia yulian: minta tissue deshia yulian: *terharu gaang_thecrow: hahaha gaang_thecrow: jngn ampe nangis well, i do wish that you'll find your happiness. remembering of him, i suddenly remember ichsan, one of my cousin who has passed away 3 years ago due to cancer. he was very brave to go through every pain he felt inside, and very patience as well. never gave up, trying to cure himself, until God finally decided to give him an eternal happiness and took away his pain. we, since God still gives us time to explore what life really means, should be very grateful. you and i, mas, surely will find our path. it's not gonna be easy, i know, but it's worth a try. i don't care about who used to be with you. walk on, don't bother about with whom you fall in love with, because no matter what people say, you know that it's pretty great to be with them. Labels: Almost Honest |
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Date: || Time: 11:01 pm
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I've caught myself smiling alone
Just thinking of your voice And dreaming of your touch, is all too much You know I don't have any choice Don't say you love me unless forever Don't tell me you need me, if you're not gonna stay Don't give me this feeling, I'll only believe it Make it real or take it all away (Don't Say You Love Me - The Corrs) 06/08/2008 17:44:27 Panda Hallo echa please aku jg kangen sama kmu.. 06/08/2008 17:47:58 Panda Pacar aku lompat nih dr atas kasur ke lantai, masa kmu tega sih. me (on the phone): sometimes, i wonder why we never have a proper conversation like normal couples. but knowing that you feel that way, i know that it is worth to wait Labels: Almost Honest |
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Date: Monday, 4 August 2008 || Time: 3:28 am
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can't sleep... been lying from 2.15 AM until 3 something before i finally decided to jump into my seat and fired up the internet. i'm a bit jumpy lately. have you ever got a feeling that your brain isn't completely belong to you? it feels like, there's someone inside there that takes control of it. some alter-ego, or even a beautiful stranger stays deep down inside, she doesn't want to make your life better. in fact, she tries to steal your existence and rules you in a way that you can never predict. imagine that, one day you'll wake up in someone else bed without able to recall what you've been done the day before. not even the smallest detail, such as what you ate yesterday. you don't even know why you wear that stupid bright summer dress that your mum bought you. pretty scary, isn't it? no, don't worry, it's not like i've been in that situation lately. i guess my brain needs some quality time. some good night sleep. one night my friend called and from her voice i knew something went wrong. so she came and slept in my room, but we talked things out until we fell asleep. the next day, i couldn't sleep without thinking something bad would happen everytime my cellphone rang. i have an early tutorial class today. it's either i sleep for a while or not sleep at all so i won't miss the class like last week. i really need to stop over-sleeping in the noon to be able to throw away crazy thoughts that i wrote above and to be able to get a good night sleep. until then, nite2, sweetdreams. Labels: in my darkest hour |
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Date: Saturday, 2 August 2008 || Time: 10:44 pm
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 To love, to be loved To miss, to be missed These warmth feeling wrap the cold rainy evening and shower me with the kiss of the golden sunset I let my naked feet step into the wet sand as I walk towards your porch a familiar place where I can always find you I can hear the wind brings your voice with the early raining breeze Come home, come home You'll be waiting, until the night kisses away the day, until the rain steals away the last day of summer I'm coming home, tonight. Labels: my own fairy tale |
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