|
.a stolen story about suspicion, betrayal, desire, and redemption.
"there's no shame in being crazy, depending on how you take these.." - jason mraz |
|
|
|||||
| Entries | Profile | Tagboard | Links |
|
hear me out .
|
|
|
Deszya, VIC, Melbourne
Cbox or Shoutmix
Deszya Yulian's Profile Create Your Badge |
I capture myself as a portrait of an extremely random person and i am proud of it. I had never been an easy person to hang out with, can be all over you one day but then hardly seem to know you exist..
|
Date: Monday, 23 June 2008 || Time: 2:11 pm
2 Comments:
|
|
|
well i finally landed on my last day of the hardest semester ever, semester four. not only that i've to face four of the most difficult subjects ever since i entered this university, but i've to also dare myself to face those that i've predicted would happen.
and guess what? i'm proud to admit that i'm no longer afraid to say NO. moreover, i guess it's not a bad word after all. seriously. i don't have much time to talk about this day since my plan is going to boarding, but one thing for sure: i've closed this semester with a very big smile. yes, i'm proud! Labels: Almost Honest |
|
|
Date: Sunday, 22 June 2008 || Time: 11:05 pm
2 Comments:
|
|
 "..Of all the things I believe inI just want to get it over with tears from behind my eyesthis is my last day being 19. quite funny, though, but i'm kinda sad to leave this year and step into twenty-something. i guess being 19 has given me lots of experience learned along the way and at the end, i admit that i'm quite proud to say that i've learned to be a better person. it might not have a physical impact, yet, but i'm still working on it. i lose but then i learn some. friends come and go, but i'm touched to see those who stayed with me even in my weakest part. i can't thank you enough, and i bet you guys know who you are. and i do hope that you know how much you mean to me. again, thank you! i have to admit that i cannot stop thinking of how wonderful life could be. i mean, there's always new experience learned along the way. it might be hard, sometimes, but... trust me it's worthed. talking about friends.. this afternoon i went out with some friends. i knew shouldn't be doing this, since i still have an exam tomorrow. but, today's my last day with her. it feels like we just knew each other yesterday, and the last 2 years we spent just flew by. i'm gonna miss her, i already did, actually, because i rarely spent time with her lately. i'm so sorry for choosing to be alone lately. i just had things to be thought and solved, i guess. but nevertheless, i won't forget you. like what angie said: leaving is one, but not seeing you is aching. some might think that i'm such a self-centered person. well, i admit that, i've been like that lately. but i've my own reason, which you never bother to ask. so please don't judge me, because you have no idea what it's been like. tomorrow i'll be 20. one thing that i don't know is that, i don't know that saying goodbye to 19 can be so hard. letting these memories go. prepare for new experiences. i don't want to let go what i've had now, even though i know that i have to. i'm just hoping, that it'll feel a lot easier... so long goodbye, 19... i'll blow my candle and i'll let another candle light my way. ".. and it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time i want whats yours and i want wahts i want you but i'm not giving in this time Labels: Almost Honest |
|
|
Date: Saturday, 21 June 2008 || Time: 4:19 pm
2 Comments:
|
|
|
sempat ga percaya kalau seseorang yang kita suka bisa berubah menjadi seseorang yang kita benci. i'm exactly there, right now. A person. entah kenapa ya.. saya muak sama semua kepesimisan dia. okay, saya memang bukan orang paling optimis sedunia, tapi paling ngga, saya bisa sedikit optimis kalau ngerasa sudah berusaha. benci banget kalau dia mengumbar kata2 betapa beruntungnya saya. hey! don't you ever try to judge me! wake up! you don't even know me! it's sickening, you know. i feel like throwing up! benci banget.. benci sama diri sendiri yang pernah dengan bodohnya nyimpan harapan sama dia. ternyata betul. panas setahun dihapus hujan sehari.. dia banget! i hope one day you'll learn : you never know what you've got 'till it's gone! Labels: in my darkest hour |
|
|
Date: Thursday, 5 June 2008 || Time: 7:10 am
0 Comments: |
|
|
"It's against human nature to admit that on any 10 occations you're going to be wrong eight times, and the faster you admit to yourself that you're wrong and move on, then the more you're going to allow yourself to be success (Terranova 2004)". Labels: Almost Honest |
|
|
Date: || Time: 3:29 am
0 Comments: |
|
|
forgive me if i sound a bit... cynical.
i'm a bit frustrated. and not to mention, hopeless. i'm about to be 20 this month, i should be over my low self-esteem issue right now. i mean, come on, it was so typically high-school. i still cannot get over the thought that i'm not smart enough. the harder i try, the more i'll get dissapointed. why? cause i cannot stop myself to compare my result with others. those, who looks like, they don't do what i've done, but gain much more than me. feeling envy like hell when they say "well it's just my luck!" i still cannot throw away this little-past-frustration of being rejected. i tend to say yes a lot, even though i know i might be suffered at the end. why? because i don't want others feel what i've felt. being rejected, i mean. now, when i try to be more straight with not saying yes as much as what i've done, i feel guilty. i feel like the meanest girl alive. maybe that's why i get frustrated. maybe cause i've stopped being a good person, lately? therefore i find it hard for me to look for help when i desperately need it? i wish i could skip these parts. i wish i could runaway. i wish... i do wish... forgive me, i don't speak only to you. i speak for all those cat-fight, all those rejections, all those bad-mood parade, all those unspeakable anger i've kept. i cannot stop feeling guilty, and it's torturing. i cannot concentrate. when i fail, i tend to blame myself. that's pretty much that i've done lately. at first, i guessed i just needed times to be alone. to calm down these stormy thoughts and fragile feelings of mine. but it's been like months, and i still hide. what's wrong with me? it's empty here. ".. Maybe we're trying Trying too hard Maybe we're torn apart Maybe the timing Is beating our hearts We're empty." (Empty - The Click Five) Labels: in my darkest hour |
|
|
Date: Wednesday, 4 June 2008 || Time: 1:45 am
3 Comments:
|
|
|
The aim of managing a diversified portfolio is to diversify the risk as low as possible. Risk itself is defined as the chance that the actual return arises from an investment can differ from its expected return and the chance of losing some or even all of the basic investment. The essential idea of risk measurement is to determine how far the investors are willing to take such risks in order to compensate such level of returns That was some of what i wrote for my Investment & Portfolio Management (IPM) paper, intake February 2008. Haiz, i used to really like this subject because it was very interesting. But apparently, after dealing for almost 1 semester with this subject, i started to lose my interest. Why? Because i realize that, i'm not that kinda type of a risk-taker people. I realize that, i'm not quite good in managing risks, and no matter how hard we try to eliminate risk, it can never be eliminated completely. I used to think that working for investment-bank would be great, but now... hahahha just forget it. I don't have sharp intuitions, i even failed to predict which questions that would come out in my mid-semester paper from the hints that my lecture gave me. Well, i post this blog not to talk about my low internal mark for this paper (ouch!). After studying IPM for almost 2 days, i figure out that... like it or not, we have to deal with risks, like it or not and there will be opportunity costs that we have to sacrifice. Come to think about that, i reminisce what i've been gone through this semester. So i finally managed myself to get a part-time job, which was able to give me extra savings. But as the opportunity cost, i lost times to hang out with my friends and i kinda lost of track from what they've been up to. Even until now, it feels normal for me to not knowing where they are or what they do. It would be different for me if it happened 2 semesters back, where we used to be together every time. It's kinda sad, actually, but i learnt something. Without them, i realize that i've to be more independent. It's not that i used to be that spoil lil' girl or what (my mum always been very strict to me about this!), but it's more related to my studies. And environment around me, I guess. To be honest, I'm not too good in accounting. I tend to be very careless and i need others to help me deal with these subjects. At first when i tried to study alone, my internal mark dropped. Why? Well... maybe i wasn't used to study alone, and.. i kinda felt abit.. lonely? (yes... i admit it.). I didn't do anything much to fix it at first, i let my mood controlled everything i do, until one day i chatted with my friend in Bandung. He said that, university life is a journey & a process to be more mature, whereby here it's all about YOU. Your result is bad? Your fault, you cannot manage your time well, perhaps? Why? Because now, we have to try by ourselves. No one really bothers about your final result, they're busy with their own business. And... it takes me for almost 2 years to realize that simple stuff. Oh my, i feel like such a retarded person! Where have I been lately? But at least i still have one year to go before i graduate, so i hope i can fix these messes! Risk.. risk... risk.. again, you cannot simply believe what people told you to do. It's a sign that you might have pay less attention in classes when you start believing whatever they say. Have you ever thought about the risk that would be rose with saying 'no'? Yes, you might make someone feel disappointed with your rejection. True, that we have to learn to value other's feelings and try as much as possible to help them, but don't forget to consider yourself too. I'm that kinda person who find that saying 'no' is very hard for me, I can't afford to see those expression that come out after I said it. Well, lately i've figured out that... 'no' can be a good word also. Sometimes, saying 'no' can lead people to find ways to work harder in order to gain 'yes' (mmm.. correct me if i'm wrong?). 'No' cannot be judged as something mean all the time, i guess. The timing and the situation should be considered first, why you refuse to say 'yes' at the first place. Mmm... bad, bad, risk is bad, isn't it? But, let's take another look. If we never fall, we never know how to get up, right? Risk teaches you of how amazing someone's ability in resilient, and gets back to track, stronger than before. Risk also teaches you to be careful enough, cause you are the only person who knows how to take care of yourself. I myself, learn to value things better after risk 'introduces' itself to me. In this point, I won't simply exercise it if i'm not sure what i'll get in return. Seriously, i've been playing with risks without realizing the consequences and came to the part where i could only regret what i've done. There were pretty much things i learn from this semester. Well i cannot write the conclusion yet, since i still have to face my final exams first. Maybe... for now, i can say that... taking high risks don't mean you'll get high returns too. It depends on how you see it. Think of the opportunity costs that you have to sacrifice. Is it worthed? Or is it gonna leave you with empty feelings? Aw, writing something like this tends to give me headache! Ahaha... and, hungry. Tapi males buat ngesot ke dapur dan ngegratak kulkas, euy! Andai ini di Indo, tinggal nunggu tukang nasi goreng lewat, atau tukang sekoteng. Ahahha ! Labels: in my darkest hour |
|
|
Date: Tuesday, 3 June 2008 || Time: 5:34 am
2 Comments:
|
|
|
My heart goes out to the many lives around the world that are suffering. I read an article about children in Ethiopia, who, due to crop failure and the rising cost of food, are literally starving to death. This crop failure is believed to be one impact of the global warming. Since people never stop cutting down trees and burn down forest, now, we are lack of trees to keep the water on the ground. And, in China, it makes me so sad to see all the people there who have lost so many of their loved ones. But, it was so bitter sweet to see some parents who found their children. And, even more amazing, they were still finding people alive as of yesterday, buried for nine days! I can't even begin to imagine that, and hoping and praying someone finds you. Not to forget, the issue of the rising of petrol's price has been bothering me also. As a student who literally study economics and finance, i know a bit effect that supply & demand function has caused the petrol price to rice, and there's nothing much can be done to alter this event. Nevertheless, i don't feel better, remembering those poor people who probably cannot survive. Remembering parents who have to work harder to fulfill their family needs. That just won't make me feel any better. One of my friend said, the world has survived the previous financial crisis, and it can be said that, one day we might be able to survive this crisis also. But, when? It feels like, forever. And what about that global warming issue? Oh my God, maybe i should just concentrate on my final exams first, knowing that i won't be able to find the answers alone. I really want to do something... I don't know what yet, but I feel like I'm being moved. So far, things that i've been trying to do are reducing the usage of plastic bags, tissues, and air-conditioner, saving water & petrol (well here i don't have a private car, though) as much as possible, donate some of my allowance.. and what else? No idea! Is there any way to solve these problems, God? I'm just a niche player on Your earth, but... i really wish i can make a difference... Labels: in my darkest hour |
|
|
Date: Monday, 2 June 2008 || Time: 10:53 pm
0 Comments: |
|
 Come and share with me rest your weary heart, i'll promise this afternoon will be all about you Sweetheart, i wish i can open your heart one day let me touch your weary heart There's no need to complicate, our time is short, Dear look into my eyes and you'll find that i'm your fate There ain't no better reason to rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons This is my idea of happiness, lying here with you And feel your heart beating This afternoon i'll be all over you, Dear and i'll be the one to hold you, the night the sky fell down rest your weary heart and i'll blow away your pain You asked me once, "why would you stay here in this lonely shell with me?" "because i know, when i look into your expressive eyes, you are my fate. Labels: it happens everyday |
|
|
Date: || Time: 6:49 pm
0 Comments: |
|
 dalam senandung senja aku hanyut dalam lamunan akan dirimu tak tergapai, namun tak juga lekang oleh waktu satu hari kau genggang tanganku wajah tersipu dibelai angin senja dan aku bertanya dalam sunyi siapa yang kau sapa dalam lelap tidurmu siapa yang kau lindungi di balik selimut langit malam jauhkan dia dari embun kesunyian hangatkan dia saat kesepian membius malamnya lelah aku dengan perjalanan ini ingin menggapai tanganmu yang pernah menenangkanku namun rasa tak puas mengusikku satu pertanyaan kembali terbit dalam sunyi masa lalu adalah masa lalu,kau ucapkan tangan kita terpaut dalam janji namun aku ingkar keabadian adalah milik Tuhan tapi masa lalu akan selalu menjadi milikmu aku takut, oh Senja adakah masa lalu itu telah terhapus dari hatinya? rasa ini terbit, seiring perpisahan oleh malam tercipta apakah aku yang membangunkanmu bersama hangat mentari? apakah aku yang menyejukkanmu seiring derai hujan menderas? apakah itu aku, cinta dalam hatimu? Labels: my own fairy tale |
|
|
Date: || Time: 7:36 am
1 Comments:
|
|
 Say - John Mayer Take out of your wasted honor Every little past frustration Take all your so called problems Better put 'em in quotations Say what you need to say Say what you need to saaaay... Walking like a one man army Fighting with the shadows in your head Living out the same old moment Knowing you'd be better off instead Have no fear For giving in Have no fear For getting over You better know that in the end It's better to say too much Then never to say what you need to say again Even if your hands are shaking And your faith is broken Even as the eyes are closing Do it with a heart wide open... wide... Labels: it happens everyday |
|
|
Date: || Time: 4:53 am
2 Comments:
|
|
   i fell in love once. well, maybe it was not exactly love. i was too young to understand what love is that time. matter of fact, 'till now i'm still not sure about this thing called love. but again, back to that time, i was quite sure that i was in love. so deep, until i finally knew what jealousy was, head over heels, and that sort of crazy things we felt when we were in love. it could be said, he was my first love. i freeze. i knew i used to hear this kinda intonation. but... i couldn't remember exactly who it was. Labels: my own fairy tale |
|
|
Date: Sunday, 1 June 2008 || Time: 12:37 pm
1 Comments:
|
|
|
i love June! kenapa? karna itu adalah bulan saya dilahirkan. dimana saya selalu gembar-gembor ke semua orang : eh2 saya ultah lho! kasih selamat yaaa!! dan belakangan saya tahu kenapa saya sering norak kayak gitu. semacam memberi petunjuk supaya orang-orang gak lupa, karena.. karena saya takut kesepian di hari ulangtahun saya. trust me, i've been there and it was horrible! jadi.. norak selama 1 hari ngga apa2, dong? uh huh, hahahaha! and FYI, i don't have any wish-list. serius. saya cukup puas sama apa yang saya punya. meskipun ga nolak kalo dikasih kesempatan borong Topshop tanpa harus bayar, sih. Ahaha. merefer sama posting sebelumnya... well, i guess i DO have one wish: "someone to talk to. doesn't have to be my friend. just someone who won't argue when i share my fragile feelings. cause, i'm totally unstable right now, not ready for another endless debate, and somehow.. i've lost my trust for those who called themselves.. friends. hey ya, get real!" rizki benar. lebih gampang nyari musuh daripada seorang teman. hhmm tapi apapun itu, saya berharap... ulangtahun saya yang ke-20 ini gak seburuk ulangtahun ke-17 saya. thank God saya ada di rumah sendiri waktu saya ulangtahun. tinggal disini di hari ulangtahun saya... wow, that definitely will ruin my day! parade of bad mood people.. unspeakable thoughts.. oh yeah, that will definitely wind up my day! hahaha! Labels: Almost Honest |
|
ShoutMix chat widget
Adhitya Mulya Adit Alex lee angeline As 3 Atalya Batgirl Blade Bena Deeany Dheiya Ekha Elly Eva Celia Ikwan Jingmi Jason Mraz Joanne Kafa Konforu Kembaran Ketemu Gede KL-ue Leng Michelle Miss S Nadya Nashe Nez Nez Nguping Jakarta Niszia Olyph Ose Post-secret Raditya Dika Jason Mraz Rizqi Teguh Ronald Sheila Panda Tommy Vienz Rina Rina Sherina JZhaza