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.a stolen story about suspicion, betrayal, desire, and redemption.
"there's no shame in being crazy, depending on how you take these.." - jason mraz |
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hear me out .
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Deszya, VIC, Melbourne
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Deszya Yulian's Profile Create Your Badge |
I capture myself as a portrait of an extremely random person and i am proud of it. I had never been an easy person to hang out with, can be all over you one day but then hardly seem to know you exist..
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Date: Tuesday, 23 September 2008 || Time: 6:39 pm
5 Comments:
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dia: tau ah, ga se simple yang kamu bayangkan ... kata-katanya pendek saja. tapi, seolah menusuk batin saya yang juga tengah labil dan lelah. campuran rasa kecewa yang kental ada disana, diiringi dengan perasaan hopeless dan takut. saya sendiri, saya hopeless, karena uluran tangan saya telah ditolak begitu saja melalui sikapnya yang sangat dingin dan penuh keapatisan. siapakah saya baginya? begitu tidak berartikah segala upaya saya untuk mengisi kesepiannya? atau terlalu self-centered kah saya, hingga tak mampu melihat sisi rapuhnya? Labels: in my darkest hour |
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Date: Monday, 22 September 2008 || Time: 6:39 pm
2 Comments:
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 mengapa, Tuhan? cintanya begitu jauh dan tak tergapai aku lelah aku sendiri dan aku takut Labels: in my darkest hour |
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Date: Thursday, 18 September 2008 || Time: 7:27 pm
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Alya memegang erat payungnya dan berusaha menguatkan hati untuk memalingkan pandangan dari Aria yang berdiri dengan sikap defensif beberapa meter di hadapannya. "Kamu tahu nggak sih, Al?" Aria bertanya, lebih terdengar seperti bicara pada dirinya sendiri. "Aku kadang berpikir, apa aku cukup baik buat kamu. Aku sendiri nggak tahu harus menjawab apa. " Alya terpekur. Dia ingin meneriakkan semua yang selama ini berkelabat di benaknya. Ingin mengguncang Aria sekuat tenaga untuk meyakinkannya bahwa Aria tidak pernah menjadi seseorang yang buruk di matanya. Tapi, Alya bahkan tak tahu bagaimana caranya untuk meyakinkan Aria. "Al, pancake yang kamu kirim tadi pagi itu buatan kamu?" Tiba-tiba Aria memecah kesunyian diantara mereka. "Iya. Maaf ya, bentuknya aneh. Alya ada kuliah pagi, jadi terburu-buru bikinnya," ucap Alya dengan wajah memerah, betulan menahan malu mengingat bentuk pancake-nya yang memang kebangetan hancurnya. Ada yang besar, ada yang kecil, ada yang agak gosong, ah! Tapi tanggung, mau gimana lagi? Ini gara-gara sok tahunya dia sih, nambah ini-itu sesuai selera. Aria mencoba menemukan biji mata Alya yang tersembunyi di balik poni rambutnya. Sekilas, Alya tidak terlihat lebih dari seorang mahasiswa baru yang periang, seperti kebanyakan teman-temannya. Padahal, Aria tahu persis apa yang tersembunyi di balik keceriaannya itu. Sebuah luka, rasa penolakan... Aria ingin bisa merengkuh semua sakit yang dipendam Alya jauh-jauh di dalam dirinya. Aria menarik payung yang sedari tadi melindungi Alya dari gerimis, dan menarik tangan Alya agar duduk di sampingnya. "Enak kok pancake-nya," kata Aria perlahan, tersenyum ke arah seraut wajah mungil di hadapannya. "Kapan-kapan bikinin buat aku lagi, ya?" Alya tersenyum ragu-ragu. "Ah, yang bener nih? Tadi pagi yang buka pintu kan kakak kamu. Katanya kamu masih tidur. Aku malu banget lho! Kirain... bakal diketawain abis-abisan." "Kakak aku bilang apa, Al?" "Dia bilang, makasih banget. Katanya dia seneng ada yang merhatiin kamu. Abis kamu juga, sih, nggak ngejaga kesehatan banget. Tiap hari begadang, begadang. Weekend juga begadang. Kasian tuh badan kamu!" kata Alya, matanya tertuju pada cekungan hitam di bawah mata Aria yang dari hari ke hari nampak makin kentara. Aria tersenyum miris dan melepaskan tangan Alya secara tiba-tiba. Alya menunduk dengan tatapan hampa. Entah kenapa, dia seolah tahu ada sesuatu yang salah. Alya memeluk dirinya sendiri, tiba-tiba merasa kedinginan. Ia bahkan enggan membalas tatapan Aria yang tertuju jelas padanya. "Alya masih suka kepikiran sama Kak Adri?" Alya mengerutkan kening. Bingung. "Kok tiba-tiba sih, Ya?" Aria mendesah pelan. "Karena kakak kamu itu alasan utama kenapa aku nggak akan pernah pantas buat kamu, Al." Alya menahan diri untuk tidak mendesah frustasi. Ia paksakan dirinya untuk menatap langsung ke mata Aria. Aria balas menatapnya, ada kabut keraguan dan ketakutan bercampur jadi satu di matanya. "I don't get the point, really," ucap Alya tegas. "You should. Because I murdered your brother, 3 years ago." Labels: Almost Honest |
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Date: Saturday, 13 September 2008 || Time: 4:27 am
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 When you love someone, Really love someone It seems eternal When someone depends on you for their very existence, and you depend on them, It never occurs to you that it won't last forever Taken from: Angels and Airwaves - Good Day * * * she stares at those phrase over her caramel macchiato that slowly becomes colder by the heavy rain outside Starbucks. she holds her glass full of foamed milk marked with espresso and vanilla, topped with a distinctive caramel pattern. it is supposed to be indulgent, buttery and intense. but what does she get? well, her intuition rules over her tongue. everything tastes bitter. she's not alone, this Starbucks outlet is filled with people who tries to find a shelter from the stormy rain outside. but again, her heart takes over all her feelings. she feels lonely. and scared. but yet, she's thrilled. by something exciting and explosive. something that comes from her heart that used to be deeply frozen. she knows she loves you for everything that you don't know. but she's fragile inside. she needs you less that you need her. and she knows well that,
Labels: Almost Honest |
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Date: || Time: 3:57 am
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i'm sitting with a bubbly face, blank papers, and a mind that stuck totally on how to escape from my LFIS tutorial & lecture so that i can get a good nap. last night was hectic, couldn't really recall what happened. i basically tried to cheer up one that has got her heart broken up until 4 something. headed straight to bed after dawn praying, and then someone tried to reach me through my cellphone 4 times in a row. i didn't pick up, he didn't give up. HEY, I NEED MY SLEEP! leave a message, thanks! and because i'm totally lack of sleep, i can't concentrate. and i don't want to. i keep texting my boyfriend and my mother during tutorial, and suddenly my lecture comes up with a joke. "girls, which one do you prefer? older guy, or younger guy?" and i literally don't pick any of them! i just mumble, "mmmm.." but somehow, the whole class think i say "old.." HOW COME! they all stare at me, especially those senior girls from semester 6. they might think i'm a pathetic sociopath girl now. but hey, i actually have a boyfriend whose age is one year older than me, not AS OLD AS YOUR IMAGINATION! i'm not insane, okay? i won't date someone as old as my father. speaking of having a relationship with older people, i found this article from MSN.com.au. i couldn't believe it at first, and had to read it over and over again to make sure that my lousy english did not translate it wrongly. as a result, it didn't. it talked about a mother that had an affair with her father-in-law, whose age was 22 years older than her age, and they ended up killing the daughter. i mean, the daughter from the woman's previous marriage, and kept her body in a suit case, then threw it to the river. tell me, how tragic was that?
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Date: Wednesday, 10 September 2008 || Time: 1:58 pm
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ngok!
ever since i started fasting, i switched my spirit and energy for all my tutorials and assignments into fasting mode as well. and in total, i've skipped LFIS class for twice in a row. yes, this morning i failed to wake up and missed the class... AGAIN. such a lazy girl. no, it's not that i don't like fasting month. why should i, this month is fulfilled with blessed! hmm, let's see: 1. Corporate Accounting & LFIS tutorial work-in-progress (WIP) : 0% dead-line: this friday 2. Corporate Accounting major assignment WIP: 0% dead-line: 26th September 2008 3. AMA mid-test WIP: 0% held: 25 September 2008 4. Fill-in-the-blank Credit and Lending Decisions Test WIP: 0% held: 25th September 2008, darn! i'm gonna hate this week! 5. LFIS major assignment WIP: 0% damn, i hate law as much as i hate eel! dead-line: 8 october 2008 6. CLD major assignment WIP: 0% dead-line: 17 October 2008 FYI, i went to pre-Pare career fair with my friends this morning. It wasn't as interesting as i imagined. we just walked through one booth to another, collecting free pen and some name cards, and were requested to send them our resume. i'm a bit pessimist, i don't know why. at the end of the day, i think i'll shrugh. haha, no, i'm just being such a drama queen. i'll be fine, i think. tonight i'm gonna start reading my CA assignment. i hope, Panda will be online to accompany me. i got quite a high result for my test, maybe it was because Panda accompanied me while studying via YM. thanks so much, say... ur! ahaha see you around! gonna be very very extremely busy from now onwards! all the best! Labels: it happens everyday |
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Date: Monday, 8 September 2008 || Time: 10:10 pm
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Labels: my own fairy tale |
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Date: || Time: 4:33 pm
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kapan saya pernah benci hujan? never! hari pertama saya bertemu dia, matahari menyengat luar biasa. perasaan saya pun sama cerahnya dengan sorot matahari sore itu. tapi, entah kenapa, semua terasa hambar. saya tak menemukan binar apa-apa diantara kita, dan dia tenggelam dalam sikap diamnya. saya bingung. kebingungan memuncak menjadi perasaan kesal. I mean, I came accross the distance, and this was all i got?? i don't even feel like talking. at all. jumat malam, saya terpaksa memasang wajah ceria palsu karena harus menghadiri gathering dengan keluarga plus teman-teman dekat. saya tertawa, tapi mata saya terpaku pada dia. dia lebih banyak diam. i noticed that his eyes were always glued to me, but they were blur and empty. i got really mad. and he asked why. and i told him how dissapointed i was when seeing him kept quiet and abandoning me even though i sat right beside him. dia mencoba menjelaskan. semua tetap sama. tanpa ada kata 'tapi'. dan saya tersadar bahwa diam baginya bukan bentuk ketidaksukaan. melainkan, bagian dari dirinya. tapi saya masih ragu. sebagian dari perasaan saya seolah membeku. he didn't say a thing. i blended with my misery, again. at last, i told him that if this how it's gonna be, then i'm fine. i would try to accept these silence and blended with it. then he held my hand. malam itu hujan turun. hawa panas menguap dengan sendirinya. begitu juga perasaan saya yang sempat membeku. saya belajar 1 hal saat itu. mungkin, ini yang disebut belajar mengerti dan menerima. bahwa setiap orang memiliki kelebihan dan kekurangan. bagi saya, bertemu dengan dia sama dengan bertemu dengan seseorang yang sama sekali baru. it's exciting and challenging, but risky as well. saya butuh waktu beradaptasi, dan saya kurang sabar dalam menjalaninya. hey, nothing's tragic, really... i finally realized. as usual, maybe i was being over dramatic. the night ended with hands holding thight. we smiled, and we blended with such a comfortable silence that i used to hate most. "eh.. ada D'Cinnamons lho!" "kamu mau nonton?" "mau dong! ini lagu kesukaan aku lho!" Yes, it was, it is, and it will always be! I first listened to this song when I was still in senior high school, and somehow, i guessed i could finally feel what it was like to feel what was written on that song. ".. And when I see that smile upon your face Deep in your eyes you had it all And when I hear you super electrical voices' Loving you it hurt sometimes I'm standing here you just don't bye I'm always there you just don't feel Or you just don't wanna feel Don't wanna be hurt that way It doesn't mean I'm givin' up I wanna give you more And more and more.. " i always wanted to listen to this song with my someone special, and really meant every second of this song. and there i was that night. with him, after the rain has finally stopped, holding each other's hand. hujan lagi. kami berlarian menuju parkiran karena malam semakin larut. di kejauhan, d'cinnamons masih tampil membawakan Selamanya Cinta, lagu daur-ulang yang tanpa sadar terus saya senandungkan selama sisa malam itu. di tengah jalan, saya melihat keluar jendela. melihat orang-orang yang berbagi payung atau berteduh di bawah halte bus sambil mencari tumpangan pulang. melihat orang-orang berdesakan di warung kaki lima, berbagi cerita, menghabiskan menit bersama. interaksi. berbagi. tanpa sadar, saya tersenyum. kota ini nampak lebih hidup dan hangat karena hujan. saya menatap dia yang tengah menyetir, menerobos hujan menuju rumah. anehnya, malam itu terasa sempurna buat saya. tanpa sadar, lagu Selamanya Cinta terputar terus di kepala saya, dan malam itu, saya tertidur dengan seulas senyum. Dikala hati resah Seribu ragu datang memaksaku Rindu semakin menyerang Kalaulah ku dapat membaca pikiranmu Dengan sayap pengharapanku ingin terbang jauh Biar awanpun gelisah Daun daun jatuh berguguran Namun cintamu kasih terbit laksana bintang Yang bersinar cerah menerangi jiwaku Andaikan ku dapat mengungkapkan perasaanku Hingga membuat kau percaya Akan ku berikan seutuhnya rasa cintaku Selamanya selamanya... Biar awanpun gelisah Daun daun jatuh berguguran Namun cintamu kasih terbit laksana bintang Yang bersinar cerah menerangi jiwaku D'Cinnamons - Selamanya Cinta Labels: Almost Honest |
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