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.a stolen story about suspicion, betrayal, desire, and redemption.
"there's no shame in being crazy, depending on how you take these.." - jason mraz |
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hear me out .
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Deszya, VIC, Melbourne
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Deszya Yulian's Profile Create Your Badge |
I capture myself as a portrait of an extremely random person and i am proud of it. I had never been an easy person to hang out with, can be all over you one day but then hardly seem to know you exist..
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Date: Wednesday, 29 October 2008 || Time: 1:07 am
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I'm not in love
So don't forget it It's just a silly phase I'm going through And just because I call you up Don't get me wrong, don't think you've got it made I'm not in love, no no, it's because.. I like to see you, but then again That doesn't mean you mean that much to me So if I call you, don't make a fuss Don't tell your friends about the two of us I'm not in love, no no, it's because.. I keep your picture upon the wall It hides a nasty stain that's lying there So don't you ask me to give it back I know you know it doesn't mean that much to me I'm not in love, no no, it's because.. Ooh you'll wait a long time for me Ooh you'll wait a long time Ooh you'll wait a long time for me Ooh you'll wait a long time I'm not in love I'm not in love 10cc - I'm Not In Love |
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Date: Sunday, 26 October 2008 || Time: 3:10 am
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Shut me out completely, That would not be such a sin. Lock up every entry, Make sure that there’s no way for me to get in Won’t try to pry them open, Never mind knock upon your doors. Truth is that there’s no reason for me to even see your face anymore. But I need you ears and I need them now I’ve got something to say, I’m not here today to win you back just to remind you that. Sure as the rain starts to fall, Yes I’ll always remember you dear. And though we don’t talk anymore. I was crazy for you; yes I was crazy for you, that’s for sure. Nothing ever easy, I think we both know that it's true I was convinced you loved me, and I was pretty sure that I loved you too When was our final moment what's your favorite might have been When was my fatal error that changed the way you thought of me ever since Cause i made you smile and i made you laugh, i made nice gestures and surprised you enough? But I made you come, but I made you cry I wish this was true but I'm not gonna lie Still crazy for you, still crazy for you, still crazy for you Paolo Nutini - Still Crazy arian is typing a message arian: Jng d tulisan aja kgnnya arian: Beneran kgn kah? syahnaz: biasanya kalo mau tdur syahnaz: dan pas lg ngelamun di bus syahnaz: wish you were here.. arian: *girang syahnaz: nah kamu? arian: Jd menyesal aku wkt itu g kbrin kmu. arian: Aku jg suka ngelamunin kmu. Jujur loh.. arian: Suka bikin cerita kau dan aku d khayalan. syahnaz: yang bener? arian: Yg bgus aja. arian: Ceritanya arian: Abis jrng bgt jalan arian: Aku bikin cerita aja klo d khayalan. syahnaz: aku suka ngajak ngobrol kamu di kepala syahnaz: ah jadi malu arian: Sama ya. and so, another cold war happened and it ends tonight. ps: cerita ini adalah karya non fiksi. seluruh karakter, tempat, dan kejadian adalah bukan imajinasi penulis, namun penggunaan nama memang sengaja digunakan secara fiktif. apalabila ada persamaan dengan kondisi orang yang sebenarnya, kejadian maupun hal-hal terkait lainnya, semua adalah sepenuhnya kebetulan. Labels: Almost Honest |
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Date: Saturday, 25 October 2008 || Time: 12:08 am
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"ada kalanya manusia tersandung oleh kebenaran,
namun sebagian besar akan berdiri kembali dan bergegas pergi seakan tak terjadi apa-apa." Labels: it happens everyday |
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Date: Friday, 24 October 2008 || Time: 7:57 pm
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Calm down
Deep breaths And get yourself dressed instead Of running around And pulling all your threads and Breaking yourself up If it's a broken part, replace it But, if it's a broken arm then brace it If it's a broken heart then face it And hold your own Know your name And go your own way Hold your own Know your own name And go your own way And everything will be fine Everything will be fine mmmhmm Hang on Help is on the way Stay strong I'm doing everything Are the details in the fabric Are the things that make you panic Are your thoughts results of static cling? Are the things that make you blow Hell, no reason, go on and scream If you're shocked it's just the fault Of faulty manufacturing. Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name) Are the things that make you panic Are your thoughts results of static cling? (Go your own way) Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name) Are the things that make you panic (Go your own way) Is it Mother Nature's sewing machine? Are the things that make you blow (Hold your own, know your name) Hell no reason go on and scream If you’re shocked it's just the fault (Go your own way) Of faulty manufacturing Everything will be fine Everything in no time at all Hearts will hold Jason Mraz - Details In The Fabric Labels: in my darkest hour |
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Date: || Time: 12:12 am
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Terkadang, ada banyak hal baru yang kamu temukan saat bercermin. Jadi itulah yang ia lakukan. Dengan setengah hati, dia beranjak turun dari tempat tidur dan menyeret kakinya di lantai kayu yang dingin, menuju cermin. Mula-mula yang dilihatnya adalah perasaan nelangsa dan kesepian yang lekat menghantuinya sejak bulan Mei lalu. Ia berubah. Orang mengenalinya sebagai sosok ceria yang penuh semangat, terus bergerak dan melakukan segala hal dengan bersemangat dan bahkan cenderung ceroboh. Tapi bulan Mei itu ia berhenti sejenak, entah kenapa, dan hal-hal yang menyakitkan hatinya itu, yang seharusnya telah terhapus dari memorinya, menyerangnya kembali. Bayangannya balas menatap dirinya, dan tiba-tiba bibirnya bergumam, "the wise forgive, but they don't forget.." Ia terdiam sejenak. Mungkin, itulah alasan mengapa perasaan itu tetap melekat dalam hatinya. Labels: my own fairy tale |
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Date: Thursday, 23 October 2008 || Time: 2:22 pm
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"Aku berharap kalau saja aku tidak memutuskan kontak jarak jauh kita," katanya, tanpa berani menatap lawan bicaranya yang telah lama dirindukannya. Ia hanya ingin bersikap jujur. "Aku melakukannya karena aku takut merasa kehilangan dan menginginkan kamu sepanjang waktu. Itu membuat aku lelah luar-dalam. Aku ingin merasa hidupku ini memang hanya milikku sendiri." Lalu ia berbalik dan berlari menjauh. Labels: my own fairy tale |
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Date: || Time: 2:12 pm
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irresistible. yes, yesterday i couldn't resist the temptation of being so immature, irresponsible, and not to mention, selfish , inside myself. i am currently 20, doing my 5th semester, and supposed to graduate next year, but i was a totally immature as a student yesterday. i let my mood blew my logical mind and let my partner rang me for 15 times yesterday and another 4 more this morning, and i was not bother to pick up nor informing him what was wrong with me. actually nothing was wrong with me. it was him. he made us waited for 7 hours, and after doing almost all the recommendation part of our assessment (thanks for my other partner who has helped me yesterday), i lost all my patience and refused to meet up last night. i mean, after all those meetings, there was no result. he just encouraged us to speak and read many journals as though we were going to have an exam. meanwhile, yesterday he hasn't even finished his part. so i guessed i'm done! i ran away, and let my mood drive me to be a very irresponsible student. and guess what? i'm not feeling guilty nor sorry. in fact, i feel relieved. i should've done this much earlier, to warn him that we all have an equal right here. if you think that you are the leader, then why don't you show your hard work to us? Labels: in my darkest hour |
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Date: Wednesday, 22 October 2008 || Time: 12:52 am
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i realize that i'm becoming more individualist as i grow up. as someone who is no longer a girl but not yet a woman, i enjoy being alone in the crowd, and never bother to go shopping for clothes or groceries alone. in fact, i really like it! for me, eating or going to Starbucks alone is not a big deal. this is my freedom, something that maybe i cannot enjoy in my hometown. nobody asks for anything, nobody tries to criticize what i do, what i choose, or what i want. it's a total pleasure for me to spend hours of hours alone, just going around the city with bus, drowning myself in my own world. my own imagination. i'm okay with that. but suddenly a question come. is there anyone trying to find me, when i'm gone? will anybody remember if i'm not there while everybody's there? and most importantly, is anybody outside there missing my existence? it's not that i try to fill my mind with negative thoughts. i'm just wondering, if only... do you realize that i've been missing for a while? Labels: in my darkest hour |
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Date: Tuesday, 21 October 2008 || Time: 10:35 pm
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"everyday with every worthless word we get more far away.." itu lagu yang saya dengar selama menunggu partner assignment saya, yang mendadak ngaret 1 jam :( sms datang, mengatakan bahwa lain kali saya tak perlu menunggu si jam karet ini. biarkan dia yang menunggu saya sekali-sekali. si pengirim sms tak menyadari, bahwa dia juga telah membiarkan saya menunggu seharian hanya untuk secarik kabar darinya, sejak kemarin. hingga akhirnya saya mengalah, dengan perasaan sesak dan lelah karena tumpukan rutinitas yang menjerit meminta atensi saya, dan memanggil dia terlebih dulu. padahal, akan terasa menyenangkan kalau dia datang untuk sekedar menanyakan hari saya. hmm... lirik di atas untuk kamu, deh. sedikit emosi. mungkin, lain kali, biarkan kamu yang menunggu saya sekali-sekali. sisanya, mood saya malam ini lumayan baik. bertukar cerita & tawa, dan entah kenapa malam ini rasanya comfortable banget selama menulis blog. pengen meluk semua yang udah berbaik hati meninggalkan encouragement & supportive words di blog saya :) untuk yang terakhir ini, saya janji takkan pernah membuat kalian menunggu ketidakpastian dari saya. precious! Labels: in my darkest hour |
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Date: || Time: 7:15 pm
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ketika, kurasakan sudah adaruang di hatiku yang kau sentuh dan ketika, ku sadari sudah tak selalu indah cinta yang ada mungkin memang, ku yang harus mengerti bila ku bukan yang ingin kau miliki salahkah ku bila kau lah yang ada di hatiku adakah ku singgah di hatimu, mungkinkah kau rindukan adaku adakah ku sedikit di hatimu bila kah ku mengganggu harimu, mungkin kau tak inginkan adaku akankah ku sedikit di hatimu bila memang, ku yang harus mengerti mengapa cintamu tak dapat ku miliki salahkah ku bila kau lah yang ada di hatiku kau yang ada, di hatiku bila cinta kita tak kan tercipta ku hanya sekedar ingin tuk mengerti adakah diriku, oh singgah di hatimu dan bilakah kau tau, kau yang ada, di hatiku *one of my favourite song of all times. funny, my memory for this song is far from being sentimental. it reminds me of afternoons full of heavy rain, was driving with dheijh or sherz, and sometimes, we didn't even have a destination at all :) Labels: my own fairy tale |
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Date: Monday, 20 October 2008 || Time: 7:24 pm
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lonesome
there's so many thing i can do at home, revision for example. but instead, here i am. sitting all alone, waiting for uncertainty in my college's foyer. i hate waiting. and i hate today. it's such a long & exhausting day. and no new SMS in my phone. damn! Labels: in my darkest hour |
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Date: Sunday, 19 October 2008 || Time: 1:50 pm
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Though I'm sure you'd remind me if you had to. Our love was comfortable (John Mayer - Comfortable) terkadang, saat kita berada di negara sendiri, dekat dengan orang-orang yang kita sayangi, kita sering gagal melihat bahwa diluar sana pun masih banyak orang yang peduli akan kita, meskipun boleh dibilang kita dan mereka hanyalah dua orang asing yang tak pernah mengenal satu sama lain sebelumnya. kalau saja kamu mau meluangkan waktu sejenak... masih ingatkah kamu pada seorang wanita muda yang menawarkanmu berpayung bersama saat kamu kebasahan sewaktu akan menyeberangi jalan? atau pada seorang kakek tua ramah yang menunjukkan jalan saat kamu tersesat bersama teman-temanmu di rapid bus? mungkinkah kamu masih ingat, pada seorang mahasiswa berkacamata yang membantu memungut buku-buku kamu yang jatuh tersenggol? atau, masih jelaskah dalam benakmu, betapa menyenangkannya bila tiba-tiba seorang teman lama menelepon, untuk sekadara menanyakan kabar dan bertukar cerita? interaksi. terkadang hal-hal ini terasa begitu sepele, namun terasa begitu menyenangkan bila ada seorang asing yang tiba-tiba mau melakukannya untuk kita. mengingatkan kita, bahwa diluar sana, masih ada orang-orang yang ingat untuk berempati pada keadaan di sekitarnya. Labels: Almost Honest |
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Date: || Time: 4:25 am
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i haven't slept, and it's almost 5:25 AM
wait, i just notice one thing: the stars aren't out tonight Labels: my own fairy tale |
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Date: || Time: 3:04 am
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 "Ay aku dpt informasi ktnya jgn terlalu sering makan sushi g baik & jg jgn sering minum yg di kotak ato kaleng ga baik, bnykin minum air putih, Ay." :):) Panda yang kirim SMS itu, hanya selang 5 menit setelah diwanti-wanti sama Mama buat ngurangin konsumsi sushi plus minuman kaleng. Aku tembak Panda: "Kamu disuruh Mama aku ya buat ngomong gitu?" "Gak, Ay, aku emang denger aja, dapet2 informasi gitu." "Kok kata2nya persis banget ya sama kata2 Mama aku di telpon barusan?" "..." Panda terdiam beberapa saat. "Kebetulan aja kali, ya?" "Tapi makasih ya, udah merhatiin aku." "Sama2. Kamu juga sering banget merhatiin aku." Malamnya: tertidur dengan senyum, mimpi ketemu Panda. I miss you, so much, you know? "... The thing about love Is I never saw it coming It kinda crept up and took me by surprise And now there's a voice inside my heart that's got me wondering Is this true, I want to hear it one more time... " Marie Digby - Say It Again Labels: it happens everyday |
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Date: Saturday, 18 October 2008 || Time: 6:20 pm
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maafkan kata yang tlah terucap
akan kuhapus jika kumampu andai kudapat meyakinkanmu kuhapus hitamku (Andra and the Backbone - Hitamku) untuk orang ber-degree sama, yang telah mengubah cara pandang saya di awal usia remaja saya. meskipun pahit, namun saya berterima kasih karena tanpanya saya mungkin akan tetap senaif dulu. Bersamamu ku rasakan Ku main hati … Ku main hati (Andra and the Backbone - Main Hati) kamu, datang tanpa diminta. berbagi tembok yang sama, begitu dekat namun begitu jauh. kadang aku berharap kamu tak pernah ada bertemu kamu berarti bahagia, dan juga berarti mungkin tersakiti terima kasih, kamu telah mempercayai bahwa kini metamorfosa aku hampir sempurna. Labels: Almost Honest |
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Date: Friday, 17 October 2008 || Time: 5:50 am
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Keheningan yang lumayan lama menyelimuti mereka berempat, sebelum akhirnya Asri membuka suara lagi. “Kamu benci sama aku?” “Nggak, as long as you stay away from me.” “Tapi, aku datang kesini, ngorbanin semua gengsi aku, buat kamu!” Asri terdengar sangat sakit hati mendengar penolakan Aria yang begitu kentara. Aria mendesah frustasi. “Apa lagi sih yang kurang jelas, Chie? Kita bahkan putus nggak baik-baik. Apa yang lo mau sebetulnya? Nggak ada hal yang perlu dibicarain lagi, ok?” Detik selanjutnya, terlihat Aria mencengkeram kuat-kuat lengan Asri, menariknya keluar pagar rumah. Ia sedikit kaget mendapati kakaknya dan Alya berdiri tepat di depan pagar rumah Alya terlihat dengan jelas dari ekspresi wajah mereka berdua kalau mereka tanpa sengaja sudah mendengar semuanya. Begitu Asri sudah ada di balik kemudi mobilnya, Aria berbalik ke arah Alya, dengan ekspresi wajah yang begitu letih dan sedih. “Al, nggak apa-apa, deh. Nggak usah masakin buat gue. Sori ya, udah ngerepotin, tapi gue lagi nggak mood ngapa-ngapain. Kepala gue sakit banget. Gue mau tidur aja,” kata Aria, seraya berlalu masuk ke rumahnya. Alya membeku dalam diam. Setengah hatinya merasa tidak tega melihat kesedihan yang memancar kuat dari tetangganya itu. Terasa olehnya begitu kuat intensitas emosi Aria, menggambarkan bahwa ia pernah sangat mencintai Asri, sebelum akhirnya wanita itu menyakitinya. Selingkuh, eh? Alya paham betul dan tidak menyalahkan Aria yang telah menghajar selingkuhan Asri malam itu. Dia sendiri pasti kesal setengah mati bila berada di posisi Aria. Alya memang tak punya banyak pengalaman tentang pacaran, tapi… kalau dibiarkan menggantung dan tiba-tiba ia tahu bahwa ia telah diselingkuhi… entahlah. “Gue kira mereka udah nggak ada hubungan lagi…” Arian tiba-tiba memecahkan kesunyian yang menyesakkan itu. “Eh, kamu kenal ya sama Asri?” “Kenal gitu-gitu aja, sih…” Arian terdiam sejenak, mencoba menggali lebih dalam ke balik kabut yang menyelimuti wajah tetangganya itu. Ada sesuatu yang aneh, seakan-akan Alya mempunyai hidden agenda tertentu. “Kayaknya, Aria sayang banget ya, sama Asri?” Alya mendesah pelan, setengah tak sadar. Sekilas, pertanyaan itu menyentil hati kecil Arian. Batinnya menjadi tidak tenang, ingin tahu sejauh apa sebetulnya hubungan adiknya itu dengan Alya. Akhirnya, ia memilih untuk membuka pintu mobilnya dan masuk. Setengah hati, ia berkata pelan. “Mungkin, Al. Kalau Asri bisa membuat Aria sebegitu kecewa dan sedih, berarti, dia memang pernah sayang sama Asri.” Sayang, Alya tak terpancing oleh kata-katanya itu. Alya sadar, there is too much for their new friendship. It should not be this complicated. Dan Alya tak ingin terlibat lebih jauh. Alya tersenyum, menelan jauh-jauh ketidakpastian yang sempat melandanya. “Iya. Siapa lagi sih yang bisa bikin kita sakit hati, selain orang yang paling kita sayangin?” Dan setelah menutup pagarnya, Alya pun berjalan masuk ke dalam rumahnya. Arian tercenung sesaat, menekuri kalimat terakhir Alya. Apakah mungkin, sama seperti adiknya, Alya juga pernah sakit hati dan trauma untuk mencoba sebuah hubungan lagi? Arian menghela napas, kepalanya terasa penuh. There’s too much for a friendship that has just begun… Labels: my own fairy tale |
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Date: Tuesday, 14 October 2008 || Time: 9:40 pm
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And do you ever feel like you're alone?
And do you ever wish to be unknown? I can say that I have... I can say that I have... And do you ever feel things here aren't right? And do you ever feel the time slip by? I can say that I have... And I can say that I have... So hear this please And watch as your heart speeds up endlessly And look for the stars as the sun goes down Each breath that you take has a thunderous sound Everything, everything's magic Just sit back and hold on, but hold on tightPrepare for the best and the fastest ride And reach out your hand, and I'll make you mine Everything, everything's magic And do you ever lay awake at night? And do you ever tell yourself, don't try Don't try to let yourself down, Don't try to let yourself down... And do you ever see yourself in love? And do you ever take a chance, my love? Because you know that I will... Because you know that I will... So hear this please And watch as your hearts speeds up endlessly And look for the stars as the sun goes down Each breath that you take has a thunderous sound Everything, everything's magic Just sit back and hold on, but hold on tightPrepare for the best and the fastest ride And reach out your hand, and I'll make you mine Everything, everything's magicEverything, everything's magic Taken from: Angels & Airwaves - Everything's Magic OST. Keinohrhasen Labels: it happens everyday |
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Date: Monday, 13 October 2008 || Time: 6:34 pm
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 Sayang, hari ini aku melihat senyummu Kamu yang selalu jauh dariku.. Menghamparkan senyumanmu Bersinar cerah menembus teralis jendela kamarku Terima kasih, Tuhan Untuk ciptaan-Mu yang sempurna ini Labels: my own fairy tale |
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Date: || Time: 12:39 am
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 If the elephants have past lives, yet are destined to always remember, it's no wonder how they scream, """" "... like you and I, they must have some temper. And I am dreaming of them on the plains, dirtying up their beds, watching for some kind of rain to cool their hot heads. And how dare that you send me that card when I'm doing all that I can do. "... You are forcing me to remember when all I want is to just forget you. If the tiger shall protect her young, then tell me how did you slip by. "... All my instincts have failed me for once -- I must have somehow slept the whole night. And I am dreaming of them with their kill, tearing it all apart, blood dripping from their lips, and teeth sinking in too hard. "... And how dare that you say you will call, when you know I need some peace of mind.. If you had to take sides with the animals, won't you do it with one who is kind? If the hawks in the trees need the dead, if you're living you don't stand a chance. You can lie there and say you are fed, but there are only two ends to this dance. You can flee with your wounds just in time, or lie there as he feeds, watching yourself ripped to shreds and laughing as you bleed. "... So for those of you falling in love, keep it kind, keep it good, keep it right. Throw yourself in the midst of danger, but keep one eye open at night. Rachael Yamagata - Elephants Labels: my own fairy tale |
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Date: Sunday, 12 October 2008 || Time: 5:14 pm
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It's always wise to sweeten a piece of bad news with something more palatable. having a parade of bad day, lots of assignments but you have no strength left after staying up all night preparing for today's midtest? slow down a bit. sip a cup of your favorite tea. tune into your favorite old-song. being too hard for your self will not encourage you to go through the rest of the day. enjoy! :) Labels: it happens everyday |
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Date: Friday, 10 October 2008 || Time: 2:54 am
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i have a friend.
a sleeping beauty she is, indeed. she never encourages herself to wake up. yet, she chooses to dream with her broken heart because she once told me that waking up will be the hardest part. i dare her to move, but she chooses to be dust. connecting her short-term-sweet-past with those who is somehow correlated to it. she tries to connect one victim to another. maybe, trying to obtain formulas of survival from other victim, to fight in the same field? honey honey why can't you stop being so pathetic? you know that things influence you easily, you don't know that one of them shall destroy you until you are left with ashes. at the end, she never knows how to survive. the question is, do you realize that you might be her? Labels: my own fairy tale |
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Date: Thursday, 9 October 2008 || Time: 10:17 am
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“First they ignore you. Then they laugh at you. Then they fight you. Then you win.” —Gandhi Labels: Almost Honest |
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Date: Tuesday, 7 October 2008 || Time: 11:23 pm
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Date: || Time: 10:57 pm
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... hari ini echa pergi ke kampus dengan baju terbalik. gosh! dan hari ini hujan, tapi echa susah senyum. kenapa? karena kesal, merasa dikopi habis-habisan oleh seseorang. dari konsep bahwa semua orang kecuali saya selalu pergi, hingga hujan. kenapa nggak coba jadi diri sendiri? and those financial-analysis-thingy! damn, i hate it !! . not in the mood . and do not want to serve any self-centered person who claim that they do not mean to be like that. GET REAL ! Labels: it happens everyday |
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Date: || Time: 9:47 pm
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 Him : "..You know it only breaks my heart To see you standin' in the dark Alone, waitin' there for me To come back I'm too afraid to show..." If it's comin' over you Like it's comin' over me Crashin' like a tidal wave That drags me out to sea I wanna be with you If you wanna be with me Crashin' like a tidal wave I don't wanna be (Stranded, stranded, stranded, stranded, stranded) So baby come back to me  Her : ".. I can only take so much These tears are turnin' me to rust I know you're waitin' there for me To come back I'm too afraid to show.." "I miss you I need you Without you I'm stranded I love you So come back I'm not afraid to show.." (neither him or her, are willing to sing it out loud) Taken from : Jennifer Paige - Stranded Labels: my own fairy tale |
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Date: || Time: 7:32 pm
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'Cause the possibility That you would ever feel the same way about me It's just too much, just too much Why do I keep running from the truth? All I ever think about is you You got me hypnotized, so mesmerized And I've just got to know (David Archuleta - Crush) So i finally went home last week, but my feeling got worse - wished i had never booked a ticket and stayed back for Raya in Malaysia, instead. this is not something new. i believe everybody knows this feeling, yet i'm sure they've felt this way before, at least once in their life. even though you don't realize it, i'm sure that either once or more, you've cared so much about someone, but yet you cannot avoid the doubt that this person might not care that much about you. the thing is, not everyone cares about you when you're drown on that thought. all my excitement has blown away when i dragged myself to the airport, and it has totally gone when my plane landed in Jakarta. i could not even put a smile when i saw my father, the person that i saw as rare as Indonesia's President. deep down i knew that it was not the right time to go home, even though i used to want it so badly few days ago. i just did not want to see anyone today. 'cause i was in a total doubt. and perhaps, anger. a hidden one, the one that was ready to be exploded whenever someone tried to disturb me. i was becoming more sensitive, easily got hurt, more than i could realize. on saturday night, he left. i was home, bedrest in such a cold and uncomfy situation in my own home. i hate it. so there i was. listening to my i-Pod while thinking. this thought used to bother me so bad last term. the thought that noone really cares. i've tried to take care those around me even though sometimes i didn't feel like it. no, this time, this was not about friendship issue. some say, love conquers it all. well, i guess love never meets me before. it never bother to let me know how hard it takes to struggle within it, without drowning breatheless inside and out. i was forced to grow up and be mature in my teen ages because my mum knew that noone could care that much about me except myself, especially because i grew up in such a dysfunctional environment. and so i did. i grew up with the thought that noone really cares about me, and i was fine in struggling with it. now, i'm feeling so insecure. i knew when i opened myself, to love, to be loved, there's a chance that i might get hurt. and i'm scared. i never let someone gets too close to hurt me. i'm trying to be different for each person around me, mitigating and blurring my real character. sometimes, after some sort of time being separated, i always feel that this person has changed. no matter how often i come home and see this person. i don't want to meet someone who tries to duplicate me. someone whose characters are purposely made blur. i need someone that i can rely on, not someone who always tries to runaway from me because they are afraid that i might hurt them. i never, ever, purposely try to hurt someone. is that too hard for you to put your trust in me? How can I decide what's right When you're clouding up my mind? I can't win your losing fight All the time. (Paramore - Decode) Labels: in my darkest hour |
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