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.a stolen story about suspicion, betrayal, desire, and redemption.
"there's no shame in being crazy, depending on how you take these.." - jason mraz |
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hear me out .
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Deszya, VIC, Melbourne
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Deszya Yulian's Profile Create Your Badge |
I capture myself as a portrait of an extremely random person and i am proud of it. I had never been an easy person to hang out with, can be all over you one day but then hardly seem to know you exist..
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Date: Monday, 24 November 2008 || Time: 2:25 am
2 Comments:
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i talked to the wind last night
thought i was dreaming, but i wasn't claustrophobic might be great to describe my situation right now i took another pack of cigarette the wind told me to stop the wind knew.. i was in agony but it did nothing to make me feel better so i sailed through a totally anonymous ocean with a very rough wave then i jumped i thought i could find my home beneath the surface and i was right... Labels: Almost Honest |
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Date: || Time: 2:03 am
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So what’s your song? Instructions:
Play mode: ON
If it kills me - Jason Mraz (hell yeah, definitely right!)
Sisqo - Dream (Haha.. yeah, it probably took a dream to tell me that i love you lately)
Yong Folks - Peter Bjorn & John feat Victoria Be *true! i love being young!
U nwritten - Natasha Bedingfield “I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplaneed...” this is so damn true!
Brokenhearted - Boyz II Men
Summer Love Prelude - Justin Timberlake *what? hahaha!!
I Belong to Me - Jessica Simpson "I don't need somebody to complete me, i complete myself. Nobody got to belong to somebody else."
Built This Way - Samantha Ronson "And I'm wonder, if I were built this way.."
I'm Not In Love - 10cc *hahaha, I guess yes, they've seen me trying hard to refuse this fact
Have You Ever - Brandy
Untitled - Maliq n the Essentials
Milikmu Slalu – Andien
Labels: it happens everyday |
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Date: Wednesday, 19 November 2008 || Time: 12:11 am
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 "If you felt even one shred of what I feel for you, then we wouldn't be standing here having this conversation..." Labels: my own fairy tale |
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Date: Saturday, 15 November 2008 || Time: 3:11 pm
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SAKIT JIWA! nggak nyadar ya, lo sama sekali NGGAK kontribusi APA-APA buat assignment kita? siapa yg akhirnya beresin part 1 & almost semua part 3? dan sekarang, lo MINTA semua jawaban pass year gua? DAMN YOU! nggak nyadar kalo gua memang sengaja nggak jawab 15 telepon lo dan nggak sadar kalo gua memang sengaja block contact lo? dan ngga nyadar kalo gua nggak mau ngomong lagi, KURANG SINIS apalagi sih sikap gua, dasar tebal muka! |
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Date: || Time: 2:25 am
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You with the sad eyes Dont be discouraged Oh I realize Its hard to take courage In a world full of people You can lose sight of it all And the darkness, inside you Can make you feel so small But I see your true colors Shining through I see your true colors And thats why I love you So dont be afraid to let them show Your true colors True colors are beautiful, Like a rainbow Show me a smile then, Dont be unhappy, cant remember When I last saw you laughing If this world makes you crazy And youve taken all you can bear You call me up Because you know Ill be there When this world makes you crazy And youve taken all you can bear You call me up Because you know Ill be there think of bejewelled shine and sync of my aura colors in flashy, splashy rainbow. then they tarnished and burnt all my living color, until i am left with nothing but a lack of color. i've tried to take all colors that have been spoiled, broken into pieces, but it's just too hard for me to take courage when i've no strength left. but then you come, infuses my lack of color with nourishes tender and a second chance to be loved, giving me a gorgeous shine. makes me realize about my subtle dreamy quality. encourages me to shine again. and that's why i've got a total crush on you :) Labels: Almost Honest |
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Date: Friday, 14 November 2008 || Time: 10:38 pm
3 Comments:
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dissed and dismissed. days full of covert bullying, a type of psychological and emotional abuse, hurtful insult, and nights of breaking down and cried, struggling to put her shattered self-worth back together. been there, done that. it's not that she'll try to pity herself for those crazy days back then when she was an unstable teenager (not to say that she's stable now, though), she just wants THEM to understand how she feels. she has struggled and survived. and she doesn't ask for any compliment from YOU. she just wants you to respect her whenever you see her back in town. it's been almost 3 years now, why you still feel like you have a duty to remind her of those teasing, alienating, and censure days on her past? seriously, get a life! to be honest, it has been very devastating for her. those days when she lost friends and social standing, those days when she was trembling and nervous whenever she saw your clicks were starring at her, WERE THEY NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU? you've had enough satisfaction by tripping her up and PURPOSELY barging into her, not to mention, saying untrue things about her on purpose and tarnished her reputation. as for you to know, she has been full of partly-to-blame feelings back then and DESERVED to be isolated. enough, those isolation were unbearable, and you don't have to start it all over again when she has rebuilt her life. she wants something to be called home every time she's in town, she doesn't need your help to create hell-on-earth, really. as a matter of fact, she wants to be friends with all of you again. but, you go all over the town, and tell her old friends about who she used to be like it's your pleasure, as if you're doing her a favor. these long-term isolations make her feels socially inept and unattractive, hence more deserving for another round of isolation. she has enough anxiety, she just wants to start all over again. and why can't you leave her alone? rack off and mind your own business! last week i met her, sitting alone at the yellow bus, accompanied with her i-Pod and a book titled Twilight. i heard some of her story from her, she never wanted to tell me the complete story because she said she just wanted to move on and left them behind. she's a strong and persistent girl, in a very extraordinary way. she has gone a lot, and she still stands up for herself. as a friend, i told her how they have failed to see her true colors. her true soul. i just wanted to let her know how precious she really is. she smiled frankly, and her answer did surprised me. she whispered, calm, and to my suprise again, she ddidn't sound like she's angry nor full of revenge to them. "real friends do neither backstab nor frontstab each other, and if you have been treated unfairly, be glad for the lesson learnt. that's what i keep in mind, because i don't want to waste my time and my beautiful mind on revenge and sadness. my past is the part of me, you can take it the way it is if you want to be my friend, or just stay back. fair enough, right?" Labels: in my darkest hour |
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Date: Thursday, 13 November 2008 || Time: 9:51 pm
5 Comments:
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There's something evocative about them. About the thing that they call 'a casual relationship' thingy. I don't know about you, but I personally think it's non-sense. Totally. Whenever I see them, I try to picture a wonderful history of how they used to walk through a winding and ancient routes, traveling long distances to find their missing pieces. It was an exhausting and long-dry-and of course-lonely journey, but to your surprise, it was also expensive. Yet again, the price never stopped them from buying another train ticket to discover what they call... ehm, soulmate, perhaps? Yeah I guess it'll sound perfect. You'll not bother about the expense it causes you if you know your soulmate will stand there, in the next station, for you and you only, right? So are they. There seems to be some debate between them as to whether to tell each other about what exactly they feel, but it is a mute monologue among themselves. I've a lot of fun revisiting old favourites story and this one is my favourite. As a barista, nothing much I can do except brewing coffees for customers. A dark-but-sweet-Americano, an-addictive-creamy-caramel-machiatto, well... you name it. She loves dark-but-sweet coffee. She prefers Americano with lots of skimmed milk and two sachets of Equal. He fancies all-kind-of frappuccino, anything with caramels, to be exact. They used to come together, talked after their classes up until the evening came. She is an art student, and he surely will become a good doctor one day. I can tell that they both are smart, but not smart enough to cover what they really feel about one another. One day, my friend Ericca, the new barista, accidently mixed up their order. They have already waited quite a long time, and they filled the time by arguing. As usual. But maybe, this one would be the worst one. And, the last one. "So I heard that you dated her," she said vaguely, her eyes were stucked at the window, watching the first snow for this year. "I'm sorry that you have to hear it from Nate. I tried to tell you much earlier, but with those art project of yours..." "Oh so now you're blamming my first art show? You know how important this project for me! Geez, now I envy Jamie and Sandra!" She cut his words, seemingly angry with his response. "Jamie and Sandra from Chasewood High? The one that always fighted back then when we were in high shool?" He starred at her, seemed to be lost. "Yes! And guess what? They married now!" She bited her cherry lips hard, and angrily turned her eyes, fixing her direction into his eyes. "We've been best friend for 3 years, were they meant something to you?" "As a matter of fact, it is. Look, I've told you I was sorry. Why are you so upset?" He pretended as if he doesn't understand, or does he really not understand? "I don't want your sorry!" "Then what do you want? We get married like Jamie and Sandra?" "Excuse me, one grande frappuccino caramel?" Poor Erica came in a very wrong time, putting the icy frappuccino caramel in front of her. "This belongs to him. Mine is hot Americano. Geez, I've been waiting for 20 minutes for that damn coffee!" "Oh, I'm sorry for mixing up your order, Miss!" Erica whispered, afraid that this beautiful girl will make her lost her job. "Chill, Alika. You've drunk too much bitter Americano, I think." "And what a silly person who decides to drink an icy caramel in a cold day like this." She stood up and run through the crowded street without saying goodbye to him. "Alika!" Of course, he ran after her. Expecting her to be careful in New York's crazy traffic, and hoping that she hasn't stormed away like that. Well he does like her more than a friend, but she seems like she never read his signs. It wouldn' do any danger if he take a date or two so that she could show some reactions, right? Well to be honest, this kind of reaction was what he was expecting. He would tell her that it was merely a manipulation, and... God, I just saw an accident. It was her. She got hit, by a taxi. I almost ran outside, but my manager stopped me, reminded me harshly that they were a long quee on the counter. So I just mutely watched how he hugged her body tight, tears dropped on his face. I was their witness. I knew that they were meant for one another. But I guessed destiny had its own story. So it teared them apart. I wanted to yell at how they've wasted their time, but I couldn't. I was completely mute. Just like a cup of hot Americano that stood in front of the frappuccino caramel. Seemingly untouched. Out of reach. Labels: my own fairy tale |
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Date: || Time: 9:22 pm
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there really is something quite strange but pretty about strawberry. I always think it looks as if it has been sculpted into shape and then heavily burnished that that marvelous exuberant red color. I have to admit that I do sometimes buy them merely as beautiful objects to put in my fridge. unfortunately I don't like to eat them, so there's always a waste. a perfect strawberry is a wonderful thing to behold, and perhaps, for some of you who loves its bitter-sweet taste, can be something to sink your teeth into. and those strawberries are rare fruits which do have a distinct season and are only available on the shelves of the grocery shop in a very short time. something contrary about this fruit, and silly me, i find something contrary like these strawberries in finding an unconditional love. it is something wonderful to behold, it is rare, and at an expense of something you may never find out. in fact, we tend to ignore it. i found this unconditional love, once in my life. from my mother. She used to be my only enemy and never let me free, Catching me in places that I know I shouldn't be, Every other day I crossed the line, I didn't mean to be so bad, for years of my teen ages, we used to fight so much. nevertheless, i love her so much. she raised me up all by herself, and not even once had she complained about it. i ask myself once, what have i done to prove how much i love her? her love for me is available all year round, she was even there when i got my heart crashed by some mean memory about a f aux p aux from my high school.
i don't know why. tonight i suddenly miss her so bad. i want to ring her, but it's already late. well mum, wherever you are, i just want to say thank you for being my most precious joy. you said i've changed, i've grown a lot better, and it can never happen if it's not because of you. there's always something that puts me in an agony about what i say to you and what i really feel about you, but i never meant to be so bad. you're not merely just a beautiful object like those strawberry and i won't let your love go wasted. no way, never! Labels: Almost Honest |
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Date: Tuesday, 11 November 2008 || Time: 10:37 pm
3 Comments:
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have you ever thought about the concept of time?
something that will only happen once and can never come back when it's already gone. something that might effect your future, and should not be wasted. but as a matter of fact, many of us let it worthlessly slip away. complaining everyday of those every single thing. a concept of duration. it catches the most sensitive part of ourselves, therefore it should not deteriorate over time. who knows, that this very moment might chance your character forever? ask yourself, have you tried to value your lifetime? or did you simply let it fly? mutely watched every second feeling uncomfortable under your own skin? Labels: Almost Honest |
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Date: Sunday, 9 November 2008 || Time: 7:49 pm
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and so i catch myself smiling alone. the next day i realize that i spend 30 minutes extra to make sure that my dress looks perfect on me, the way your shirt looks perfect on you. one hour later i decide to quit smoking, knowing that i desperately want the same nice scent just like the one that fits in your body. i get butterflies in my stomach, recognizing the way your gorgeous eyes are sneaking on me. i know that you're trying to be cool, when actually you're nervous just like me. i even stop yelling at my friends whenever they bully me. i can't stop smiling. and i look like a total idiot. i smile at you, and you smile back. it feels just like, a heart attack. so tonight, i'll curse you, for stealing away my logic and my heart. i don't like being in love, but i like seeing myself keep on smiling. it feels good, but i feel like a fool. so please tell me, i'm not in love! have mercy on me, and convince me that i'm not in love! Labels: my own fairy tale |
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Date: Saturday, 8 November 2008 || Time: 11:03 pm
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 the rain has finally stopped, but my heart is still trembling. i hear my own echo, but i pretend that it is yours. i see the guy lights another cigarette, and i imagine the smoke is yours. then i hear Jamie Cullum sings through my i-Pod. rainy days.. echo.. cigarette.. Jamie Cullum... and me, the girl who sits alone tonight and misses you more that i can say. Labels: Almost Honest |
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Date: || Time: 8:45 pm
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Ringgit appreciates against Rupiah, again and this time, it reaches Rp 3100++. kemundurankah, semakin terpurukkah ekonomi bangsa kita? Mungkin. hanya, kita sebagai bangsa indonesia tolong jangan terlalu skeptis terhadap bangsa sendiri. jangan negative thinking dulu. makanya jangan kebanyakan nonton infotainment, silet, insert, buser, sinetron. jadi kebentuk pola pikir negatif dan skeptis. untuk final exams yang masih berlangsung sampai 2 minggu ke depan juga, jangan skeptis! jangan tergoda melihat teman di kampus lain yang udah enak-enak berlibur dan meratapi betapa nggak adilnya jadwal ujian kita. maaf ya, posting kali ini betul-betul nggak jelas & out of mind. hanya sedikit pelimpahan perasaan aja kok, nothing personal... :) Labels: Almost Honest |
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Date: Thursday, 6 November 2008 || Time: 12:56 am
8 Comments:
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i'm asking for your help.
for anyone who continuously reads my blog, do me a favor please? how you'd describe me in three words? thanks before! :) Labels: it happens everyday |
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Date: Wednesday, 5 November 2008 || Time: 5:19 pm
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it took only half a year for me to finally reach the 100th post in my blog. at first, i created this blog to share with friends, especially those who were far from me and almost long gone. but it turns out that this blog becomes more personal, a complete set of memories of mine to be read over and over again. besides, writing has become my biggest interest since i was very young. one thing for sure, i know i haven't changed much ever since i started to write here. i still discover bad & gloomy days as well as good days. my mood still swings drastically, but i am quite proud to be able to find things written here that shown how i've tried to build a better me as time goes by in some of my posts. and naive has finally long gone from my perspective. i'm still on my way to define life, and understand that happiness is something that will not last without any sacrifice. moreover, happiness is a state of mind. i know it sounds cliche, but it is so damn true. you are the one who can define the perfect happiness, so you are the one who can make yourself happy. it's just a matter of your point of view, a matter of how you want to see your life. i will try to set my mind to do what i have to do, and switch my mind to feel esctatic every day when i wake up. i will build today with desire and passion to live my life to the fullest. i will convince tomorrow to be better than today, because yesterday i always wanted for a better tomorrow. i am sure that i'll go far in life. i will beat my fear of past, and this time i will make sure that i HAVE TO beat it. it won't have any control on my bright future, because i have the strenght to keep on trying, moving from one comfort zone to another, and i have a confidence that all my goals are not out of reach. i will remember to live life happily and enjoy every second of it. i will learn to love my imperfection, before i love other's imperfection. i will not forget to slow down a second every day and appreciate what life has given to me. and i will try to see the bigger picture that lies far beyond my expectation, and appreciate the beauty of uncertainty that breathes with me every day. so long, Goodbye Apathy! Labels: Almost Honest |
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Date: Monday, 3 November 2008 || Time: 12:59 am
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The Golden Rules: The golden rule of this tag is that there is no rule
1. How are you feeling today? - not so good, not so bad. someone's trying to play God here by ruling my days 2. If someone says, “Is this okay?” You say? - well, i think... (fill in the blanks with suitable words) 3. What do you like in a guy/girl? - honesty & good behavior 4. Will you get far in life? - sure! 5. What do you think about very often? - getting older, soulmates, a bigger picture in life 6. What is 2 + 2? - unconditional 7. What's your best friend's theme song? - sahabat setia - andien 8. What is the story of your life? - life, love, and me 9. What is/was your high school like? - i could say that i've learned the hard way 10. What is your motto? - don't you know it's alright to be alone? 11. What’s the best thing about your friends? - i've a couple of friends, you can count by your fingers, and i cherish each one of them 12. What do you think of the person you like? - i care about that person in ways that he won't understand 13. What do you want to be when you grow up? - learn to cherish every day of my life 14. What do you think of when you see the person you like? - bunch of hugs & stories to share :) 15. Describe your grandparents. - i never met my grandma from my mum, but her personality reflects a lot in my mum :) and i believe that my grandpa from my mum has given me indirect belief that honesty would make you go far in life my grandpa & my grandma from my father, i don't really know them. i'm too close to them, but i'm trying my best to value them as a young people does to older people
22. Do people secretly lust after you?
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Date: Sunday, 2 November 2008 || Time: 12:38 am
4 Comments:
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Satu cerita tentang manusia Coba ‘tuk memahami arti cinta Benarkah cinta diatas segalanya Hanyakah itu satu-satunya Yang menjadi alasan untuk menutup mata Tak melihat dunia yang sesungguhnya Dan menjadi jawaban atas semua tanya Yang kita harap mampu mewujudkan sebuah akhir bahagia Buka mata hati telinga Sesungguhnya masih ada yang lebih penting dari sekedar kata cinta ooo.. Yang kau inginkan tak selalu Yang kau butuhkan mungkin memang yang paling penting Cobalah untuk membuka mata hati telinga Adakah kau rasakan kadang hati dan fikiran Tak selalu sejalan seperti yang kau harapkan Tuhan tolong tunjukkan apa yang ‘kan datang Hikmah dari semua misteri yang tak terpecahkan Buka mata hati telinga Buka mata hati telinga Coba kau buka mata hati telinga Mata hati telinga "Kadang kala, orang yang kamu cintai adalah orang yang paling menyakiti hatimu dan kadang kala, teman yang membawamu ke dalam pelukannya dan menangis bersamamu adalah cinta yang tidak kamu sadari. Tuhan, terima kasih, Kau telah mengizinkan aku bertemu dengan kedua jenis manusia seperti itu. Aku belajar, bahwa sedalam apapun sebuah perasaan, tetap itu bukan berarti yang terbaik untuk kita. Bahwa sedalam apapun sebuah perasaan, tetap itu tidak menjadi sebuah alasan bagi kita untuk menutup mata, hati, dan telinga untuk menyadari bahwa diluar sana, ada sebuah gambaran luas terhampar, sebuah misteri yang tak terelakkan. Oleh karena itulah, Kau kirim seseorang untuk memeluk kita disaat kita sedih. Seorang teman. Sebuah kasih sayang indah, yang terjalin tanpa pernah kita sadari." sebuah catatan spesial untuk seorang sahabat lama, Astri. you know i can't thank you enough! :) sebuah hadiah untuk martha yang pernah membawa tangis sahabatnya ke dalam pelukannya. leaving you is the hardest day of my life sebuah tulisan kecil untuk ibnu sahabat yang setia menemani. you know i can't thank you enough! :) Labels: Almost Honest |
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